19 Days Later

I guess the time has come to post something.  It's been awhile.  Lately, it's hard to get much of anything done.  I find that my thoughts drift and wander like never before.  I say things backwards (like, "Where are my keys car?" and "Did you mail the pick up?").  I head into one room and forget where I'm going and why before I reach the original destination.  I have a tough time getting out of bed each morning.  Being social is equally challenging.  I'm tired all the time. Such is grief.

Grief is an old acquaintance (I can't begin to give it the level of 'friend').  In the late 1990s, Rab and I lost 10 people in an 18 month period, including his dad, his beloved great uncle, my grandmas, my uncle and two friends about our age.  At the same time, we were going through Rab's year-long diagnostic mystery.  At times, the doctor warned us it could be fatal; it ended up being a very treatable but lifelong endocrine disorder.  Somehow, we survived it...after much therapy and, well, grief.

However, even though I've lived in deep grief before, this time is different.  I think there is nothing like losing a parent.  Since my dad died, I've found amazing amounts of comfort from those who have also lost a parent.  When I talk to them, there is an unspoken, immediate assumption that they understand the depth.  Then, the minute the first words are out of one of our mouths, the cathartic tears begin to flow.  Never have I appreciated the beauty of shared suffering and community the way I do now.

When I left Portland, I thought it might be hard to grieve because I wouldn't have all the reminders around me.  It's strange, though.  Even here, the gas tankers come to fill up the storage tanks of the gas station.  When I see that, I think of Dad's lifelong dedication to his "service station" -- God forbid anyone call his place a "gas station"!   I pet my dog and remember Dad because Dad paid the adoption fee as a Christmas present to the boys.  I go to the liquor store and see "Old Fart Wine" and think, "I've gotta get that and send it to Dad.  He'd think that was hilarious!"  And then, I remember...

I suppose this isn't the most enjoyable post - but it's where I'm at.