A Little Ordination Humor

I asked my friend Should Be a Professor, if he was willing to read one of the admonitions at my ordination. Here's his reply:

Which one?
"Don't run with scissors"
"Don't annoy the secretary"
"The quilters and the altar guild are the center of activity, know them well."
"Chew with your mouth closed"
"Pray early, Pray often."
"A pastor must have a passion for the Passion"
"It is more about Jesus than it is about you."
"You will be wrong."
"Learn the names."
"Keep records of everything" (visits, miles, conversations, plans, prayers)
"Take the authority of the office and use it well."
"The world is not made up of good and bad people but rather of bad people on different sides."
"The most important person in the parish is not a member of the congregation."
"Drink no more than one beer at social gatherings."
"Teach the kids 'pin the tail on the youth leader'."

There are so many admonitions, I do not know which one to read, but I would be happy to do so .