Now I can never leave...

Aaaaahhhh. I came back to town after a couple days away at an interview and behold! What did I see? The Promised Land. Eden. Heaven. The land of the coffee muse framed by blue skies and white puffy clouds. The beauty of the Starbuckian Queen high atop the building. The scents of steaming mochas. The sounds of milk being steamed. What do you know, maybe all that talk about this being God's country is true.

And it's even a DRIVE THROUGH paradise! What more could a post-moder n girl ask for?

How could I possibly even consider leaving this thriving metropolis now?

A fitting prayer for the day

Either my mom or dad sent this to me today (they share an email address). It seemed particularly fitting for where I'm at right now. I hope it also speaks to you:

May today there be peace within. May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith. May you use those gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content knowing you are a child of God. Let this presence settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us.

TTs latest line

Tonight, I took the boys to Applebee's. Wednesday is "kids eat free" night and C had other plans. I was left needing to figure out a dinner plan and we all know how much I love to cook (!).

On Wednesdays, there is a magician that comes by the tables and entertains the families. He came by our table tonight and did some great tricks. After 2 tricks, he paused and said: "Hmmm...what other trick shall I do for you tonight?"

TT answered: "Can you make me float?"

Discernment

How does one discern the will of God and the calling of the Holy Spirit? Boy, I wish I had a definitive answer to this question! In the past, one question has aided in the process of discernment: Is the option at hand life-giving or life-draining? The pastor I interviewed with back in May suggested, "When you close your eyes, do you see all kinds of possibilities or do you catch yourself saying, 'Yes, but....' "

Over the years, there have been times it's been clear for me. Honestly, though, the clarity usually comes as a result of hindsight. For example, I've asked myself on and off these last months: "Why am I still waiting for a call?" Then last week, a 15 year old told me I was the only person she could talk to about some rotten and tough things that were going on in her life. She may still think I did her a favor by running over when she called. Truly, though, she invited me to experience holy ground while sitting on her bedroom floor and talking about the sometimes sucky-realities of life.

Or like awhile back when I supplied at that country church. There, I was reminded of the gifts God has lent me to use. There, I was reminded that God does call me to ordained ministry.

Last night, I interviewed at a church. I'm really discerning if I want to be in a pastoral/staff team or in a situation where I'm the only pastor (the term 'solo pastorate' doesn't really jive with my understanding of ministry because we're never really solo in ministry, are we?). A lot of things are clicking and seem like the right fit at this large church. A lot of thoughts and experiences pull me the other direction. I'm not sure where the teeter-totter balances as of yet.

As I discern, I've got friends who hold me accountable, speak truth in love, and send me emails telling me to back up the train and consider the entire range of scenery surrounding the track I'm on. I'm a lucky girl. Thanks for the email, JB.

First Day of School 2006

The first day of school is always such a bittersweet experience for me as a Mom. As it approaches, I can’t wait for it to arrive. I even catch myself counting down the days sometimes during the dog days of summer. Once I return home from dropping the kids off for the first day of school, though, I can’t believe how empty and quiet the house feels. It just doesn’t seem right.

Even the cats don't seem to know what to do. Right now, Arwen is running up and down the stairs making that funny noise cats make that’s between a purr and a meow, and she is looking for a playmate. Aragorn is jumping up on desks and couches knocking things over and looking for trouble. The playmates they are seeking are the same ones they tend to avoid when the kids are home. They both seem a bit aimless. I suppose Arwen, Aragorn, and I have something in common this morning.

As I look around the neighborhood, I see bikes here and there, scattered along the lawns and sidewalks without riders. The playground sits as a lonely memorial to summer days gone by. The big mud puddle (and bane to most parents' existence) sits smooth as glass with unmoving buckets littering its edges. The cul-de-sac feels empty and desolate, and I find myself all wistful and teary.

As I kissed TT goodbye (CH would definitely not tolerate such a public display of emotion as he enters 5th grade!), I felt like my body began to walk down the stairs toward the van as my hand longed to stretch to keep hold of him. This year, I’m entrusting him to the same teacher CH had for 2nd grade. I love her. I trust her implicitly. She’s one of the greatest teachers at the school. Just the same, every year it's the same thing. I always feel like there are 100 little things I want to make sure the teacher knows, 100 idiosyncratic TTisms that are important for her to fully understand, 1000s of little details that will make a difference in his day and hers.

I long to be a part of the boys' experiences, even though the fullness of their own experiences would be lacking if I were there every moment. I want to watch them as they greet the friends they haven’t seen all summer. I want to see the joy in CH’s eyes as he gets excited about what this year will hold. I want to hold TTs hand as his anxiety brews under the surface and he wonders how hard 2nd grade will be. I know in my heart of hearts that the talk he and I had last night is not over – his fears and worries are still far more than he deserves to bear. I know if I were there, I would be tempted to take away the threats and the concerns and the fears. I would want to attempt to smooth over any rough spots. Doing so would actually get in the way more than it would help. Just the same, knowing this doesn’t preclude the maternal urges to do so.

I suppose what it all comes down to, as tears fall down my cheeks, is yet another step along the way of letting go of my babies. It’s hard to believe these zany, fascinating young men are the same babes I rocked to sleep years ago. Wasn’t it just yesterday we brought home these swaddled miracles from the hospital?! Wasn’t it just last week they took their first steps, said their first words, and gave me sloppy, wonderful baby kisses? Where in the world has the time gone?

My life as a mother is quite a roller coaster. The parts of the ride I talk about most often involve the challenges, the trials, and the confusion. Another part of the ride involves the constant, unending process of watching my precious babies grow and become more and more independent. This part is both the dip in the infrastructure and the uphill ratcheting of the ride promising greater thrills ahead. It’s the part that finds my gut in my throat as I attempt to catch my breath. It’s the part when I wish the ride would just pause for a moment as I attempt to savor every detail, experience and feeling of the wonderful ride of motherhood.

How I've spent my day

Ok...here's me at a Buffett concert and here's me on a Sunday morning. Can you tell which is which? As Jimmy sings: "Oooohhh...there's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning."

Family portrait

What do you think? C is not so sure about the one I created for him. I dressed him in his work clothes. Maybe he wanted something more exciting. I would've put myself in a grass skirt if I could've.

Go to this site to create your own South Park character. I added some of the stuff using photo software, so don't drive yourself crazy looking for a Gameboy or a Parrothead symbol.

Look, Mom, I'm half Irish!!

TT came rushing into my bedroom this morning full of excitement, saying, "Look, Mommy, I'm half Irish!" Then he began dancing a pretty decent jig for someone who has never had lessons.

Later at breakfast, he was showing us his Denny Terio dance moves once again. We convinced him to try to clap his hands over his head every now and then. He lost his balance and fell, exclaiming (I kid you not), "Oh, my spleen!!"

Then he told us: "If you let me dance on the table, it could be my stage!"

TT's new friend, Otis

TT and I were walking up to the bookstore today to get some Cow Tales. Have you tried these delicacies?! The kids in the youth room got me hooked on them. I thought they were a Midwest thing until I looked at the wrapper...they are made in Baltimore, MD. Try them...you won't be sorry.

But, Cow Tales aside, I've got to share the latest TTism. We were walking along and...
TT: Mom, I just love my friend, Otis.

Me: Otis? (I'm thinking to myself, is he some new student I haven't met? After all, TT has a knack for meeting people around here. I just found out earlier this summer that he knew the whole maintenance crew by name and vice versa...)

TT: Yeah, Otis. He takes me places, gets me where I need to go. I can count on him. He takes care of people.

Me: Who is Otis? I don't know him.

TT: The elevator... Why do they name elevators Otis anyway, Mom?

Surprising illusions, eccentric confusions

How do I even begin to tell the story of Arwen, the cat who thinks she's both a dog and the Queen of our home, and my new shirt? Mark has challenged me to do so. Since I'm not one to back away from a good challenge, I'll give it a go...

I bought a new shirt the other day. I set it on the ottomon to take a picture of it so you could all admire my funky taste in clothes. It was still laying out on the ottoman in the living room the other night, and Mark and I were talking and hanging out. Arwen was at the side of the couch watching the fish in the fishtank. She must've been feeling a need for a royal-fix because all of the sudden, she began to jump onto her throne (aka the ottoman). Instead, she hit the ottoman with one, maybe two, paws, sprang into the air at least 6 inches, twisted mid-air about 120 degrees, landed with one paw on Mark's sandaled foot, poked a hole in Mark's foot, sprang back up about 4 inches or so, and then jumped onto the floor. From the floor, she hunkered down in fear with her chin near the ground, looking at the shirt. She was positively afraid of it. Mark leaned over and moved it an inch or so and Arwen FLIPPED OUT! She caught air once again, backed up and began walking backwards away from the ottoman. Her gaze was fixed on the mysterious shirt that had taken over her throne.

Of course, we couldn't leave the situation at that. Mark continued to move the shirt and mess with the cat. Yeah, we're desperate for cheap entertainment around here. C came up and we told him about it. I swear Arwen knew we were laughing at her and talking about her. She left the room in disgust.

So this morning, I bought this jacket from Coldwater Creek. Do you think it will freak her out too? Any bets on how high she'll jump?

Tweet, tweet

So yesterday, in an effort to avoid packing and boxing, Mark came over to see what was going on. We were talking and laughing when TT came up and asked if we'd help him build a birdhouse. We've had this birdhouse kit on the shelves in the basement since we moved here and it's always something we're going to do later.

I volunteered Mark to help, partly because I'm lazy and partly because he and TT are buds and I thought it would be a fun thing for them to do together. And, besides, it gave Mark another excuse not to pack.

When TT and I went to get the kit in the basement, I whispered to him, "Maybe you should let Mark take it for his new house and then he can think of you every time he feeds the birds." TT responded, "But Mommy, I want to think of Mark everytime I see a bird in it. We need to keep it."

It was about the cutest thing in the world to watch them. TT took the lead and Mark let him. Mark's thumb even got hit by TTs hammer a time or two. For the most part, TT painted the house by himself. Mark and I tried hard not to take over but our perfectionist tendencies got the best of each of us at least once or twice.

Now, the birdhouse is dry and is hanging on our porch light (the suction cups that came with the kit didn't work out, so we improvised). Everytime we see it, we'll think of Mark and miss him. And, man, are we going to miss him.

Two days, two job offers

So I got the job with D's company a day or so ago. Yesterday, I got a letter from the school district saying they've accepted by application as a paraprofessional substitute. Does this mean that when I finally get a call, I'll get a myriad of offers in a short time period? ;)

TTism of the night

And now it's time for our regular feature: TT and the things he says

TT in the van tonight: You know....sometimes I miss my tonsils.

Today is a GREAT day

What a day. I arranged for a sitter and was able to run all those annoying errands that seem to pile up on my to do list.

I found out that I get to attend Wartburg Youth Certification school from Sept 11-29. YAY! It will be great fun! I'm so looking forward to it and my friend, PMC, will be one of my instructors. I plan on giving him a really hard time!

The American Cancer Society Discovery shop was having a huge sale and I got a pair of new jeans for $4.00, a pair of barely used slacks for $4.50 and this cool top for $9.00 (is it me or what?!). I love bargains!

Then, this afternoon, I was sitting up by the mailboxes talking to KK and my buddy D. D convinced me I need to get a job. Not only did she do that, but she actually took me down to her employer, introduced me, and basically got me the job! I'll be working with senior citizens taking them to medical appointments, running errands for and/or with them, providing light housekeeping (yeah, laugh all you like!), and preparing some meals (yeah...now you can roar!). The cool thing is that they totally will work with my schedule and I'll work when the kids are in school. I will also work some overnight shifts 2-3 times a week where I stay at their home and I'm there in case of emergency.

TTism

TT - five minutes or so into vision therapy (an hour long appointment each week): Um...are we almost done here? Because I've got things to do today....

Vision therapist, Laura (trying not to laugh): You have things to do today?

TT - businesslike and philosophical: Yeah...I'm thinking...5 more minutes...

Quotes, quotes and more quotes

My buddy Jess blogged this link and suggested going to it and posting the first 5 quotes that resonated. Well...I got a bit carried away (big surprise, huh?) Here's some thoughts for the day:

Quotables

Books…are like lobster shells, we surround ourselves with ‘em, then we grow out of ‘em and leave ‘em behind, as evidence of our earlier stages of development. – Dorothy L. Sayers

Don’t part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live. – Mark Twain

Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble…for the Lord, your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you. – Deuteronomy 31:6 NAS

However motherhood comes to you, it’s a miracle. – Valerie Harper

The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes. – Marcel Proust

Man can live far from God – not outside God. God is wherever we are. Even in suffering? Even in suffering. – Elie Wiesel

Do not follow where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. – Muriel Strode

I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody. – Bill Cosby

If we cannot end now our differences, at least we can help make the world safe for diversity – John F. Kennedy

Humor

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them. - Bill Vaughan

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electicians can be delighted, musicians denoted? - George Carlin

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers. - Socrates

Social justice

War may sometimes be a necessary evil. But no matter how necessary, it is always an evil, never a good. We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other’s children. – Jimmy Carter

The most certain test by which we judge whether a country is really free is the amount of security enjoyed by minorities. – Lord Acton

True compassion is more than flinging a coin to a beggar; it is not haphazard and superficial. It comes to see that an edifice that produces beggars needs restructuring. – Martin Luther King

Welcome to the wacky, quirky world of my family

This just couldn't wait. Thought I'd let you all know that TT just came in from outside. It's raining and he was washing my car.

CH asked him why he was doing it and he said, "I just felt like it."

After he came in, TT went to take a bath...in his clothes.

There you go - my quirky kid, always good for a giggle.

It's official

We're talking about the name change. I'm officially skdo now. The Judge just signed it. I was right about it being a guy, but he wasn't wearing a black robe. I guess they only get dressed up for the big cases.

The whole event only took about 20 minutes and most of that time involved commuting to the courthouse, parking the car, and waiting until the magic hour of 8:30 when the judge entered the room. He asked if this change was for me, if I was changing my children's names, and if I had any ID then he signed the paper. It was that simple.

I got in the car and Grand Illusion by Styx was playing on the stereo. A bit ironic, don't you think? The actual line that was being sung: "And still we wonder who the hell we are..." A bit more ironic.

I came home and TT asked where I had been. I told him I changed my name to Julio. He scrunched up his face, cocked his head and said, "So you're not S any more????" Then I told him what I'd really changed my name to and TT said he was changing his name to TCAOD (he already has 2 middle names, now he wants 2 last names like Mom). I told him he'd need to talk to the judge about that and, in true TT fashion (this time with charm and not oppositional tendencies), he said, "I don't need the judge to say it's ok, Mommy. I say it's ok."

If John were here

...there would be a campfire tonight. We'd sit around the fire and commisserate about assignments and calls and classes. We'd share stories - some old, some new. We'd pick on each other and laugh together. There would be snacks passed around and chairs brought over to 8B - room enough for all.

I miss my classmates. It's a perfect Midwest summer night for a fire but I just can't bring myself to start one without all my friends here.

Minnesota adventures

My buddy Mark wrote up the adventures of our visit to Minnesota a couple weekends ago. He did such a great job, there's no need for me to type up my own version (yeah - and I'm lazy). Check out the story - it's pretty funny. Just click on the title of this post and the link will take you to his blog.

In typical skdo fashion, I just need to add one comment. The next day, when we were waiting for The Awesomes to arrive, I said "I think I hear them!" with a great deal of excitement in my voice even though I didn't hear them at all. Watching Mark jump up and look out the window was worth the prank. C caught my eye and I began giggling and then my motive was obvious. Mark took it fairly well.

Poor Mark. I figured out while we were on this trip that he's like the younger brother I never had. It's so much fun to bug him.

During the trip, TT had some classic lines. We were driving through the town where Mark had done CPE (the hospital chaplaincy rotation all ELCA seminarians do). TT said with great shock, "Did you have to do mouth-to-mouth?!" We didn't really follow why he would ask that until TT said, "You know...when somebody has a heart attack and you have to do CPE on them." The other great line was when we stopped at a Culvers, ate and then got all buckled into the van to keep travelling. TT remembered that he got a free ice cream with his meal and I was already buried in the back between the portable DVD, the middle row of seats and God knows what else. TT gave Mark the big blue eye treatment (he calls it his Puss in Boots look) and said, "Omega please, Mark, will you go get my ice cream cone? Super Omega please!!!!" Good ole Mark did it and made little Greek TTs day.

I love Robert

So there's this absolutely adorable 6 year old boy in our neighborhood. His name is Robert. Every time I interact with him, I end up laughing. He always calls us "Mr. ?s" and "Mrs. ?s" - our name with an 's' at the end (as in "Mrs. Moyers" if our last name was Moyer). I think that's because he always hears us referered to as "The ?s".

He and his family were gone for a year and recently returned. A week or so ago when they moved back, C and I both had Robert Stories within the first afternoon.

Robert's brother is babysitting our boys today beginning at 4 and Robert came up to me this afternoon and said, "Mrs. ?s - I need to find out for my brother...what time do the boys go to bed?" It just cracked me up - here's this 6 year old finding out what time my 2 boys, both older than him, need to be put to bed.

The stories from the day they moved back are funny, too. Story 1: Over the year they were gone, C decided to start shaving his head because he was loosing his hair. Robert saw him the day he returned and said, "Whaaa......whaaa......whaaaa.....WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR HAIR?!" Story 2: Robert picked up where he left off and knew that he was welcome to just open the door and c'mon in our house any time. He and TT were playing and had gone outside. About 20 minutes or so after they went out to play, Robert came cruising in in a casual manner all alone. I asked him where TT was and he rolled his eyes, lifted up his hand and said, "Oh, Mrs. ?s....he's out there playing with his girlfriend." I didn't know TT had a girlfriend, but I guess Moms are always the last to know.

Just minutes ago, Robert came bursting in our house in a panic. "This is serious!!! Your black cat is trying to run away!!!" he announced. Funny thing is, we are the only ones in the area with cats that go outside and neither of our cats is black...

Dear Red states...

Grabbed this from Huffington Post.com. It makes me laugh. Completely factual or not, it's entertaining:

Dear Red States...

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us.

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon,Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

"Antiques - new and used"

This was what was on a sign on our way home from Northern MN. Is it just C and I or does the phrase "new antiques" sound a bit impossible? C suggested maybe they are items that were placed in storage immediately after production and now the items are available for sale...

Just got in after 4 days away - a great trip to see old friends and to attend another great friend's ordination. Lots of laughter and talking. More to come when I get over this rotten cold I've contracted. And, besides, the dysfunctional cats are thoroughly furious with us for being gone...

M.D. ≠ Medical Doctor

Multiple diagnoses. M.D. It's our reality. Before the big eye exam on Monday, TT had the following diagnoses:
- Pediatric anxiety disorder verging on obsessive compulsive disorder and with oppositional defiant features
- Sensory integration dysfunction (complex)
- ADHD inattentive

and now we add 6 vision-related titles:
- binocular vision dysfunction
- accommodative dysfunction
- ocular motor dysfunction
- visual memory impairment
- visual perception impairment
- eye-hand coordination impairment

ones we've conquered/addressed to great results:
- pediatric sleep apnea
- pika behavior issues

ones we've ruled out:
- Tourette's syndrome
- Autism spectrum disorders

ones still under consideration:
- bipolar disorder

I feel the need to list this all out - not to whine or gain sympathy. Rather, I do it simply to attempt to put my arms around it all. Today feels particularly staggering. We're now facing nearly a year of intervention for the vision disorders. I am very thankful that the technology and knowledge exists so these interventions can be attempted. The doctor holds out great hope (at a great financial cost...), and I want to believe that this time the interventions will make more difference than they've made in the past. It's tough to remain optimistic when everything we try has some, but not highly significant, effects.

TTs behavior since we returned home this afternoon has been edgy and volatile. I'm tired and his debates and assertions are always tougher to tolerate when I'm tired. It fascinates me how TTs little body could be woven together in such a way to hold within it so many complexities. Isn't the human body complex enough? Does a 7 year old really need to carry around the additional burden of over 9 diagnoses? Why don't we just lump them together into one diagnosis: Tristan syndrome or something catchy like that? I think 9+ diagnoses should be enough to qualify for one's own named disorder.

The hardest part of being a special needs parent, for me, isn't living with his behavior spikes or volatilities. The hardest part is watching him struggle. During the 3 hour vision assessment on Monday, I watched from behind a 2 way mirror/glass observation room (he couldn't see me, but I could see and hear him). I watched my little boy struggle and try so damn hard. I watched him become desperate as he perceived he couldn't perform the way he wanted to, and I saw him rub his eyes, lay down his head and sigh. I watched him (with great pride!) vocalize kindly when he'd reached his limits and needed a break. But even with the proud silver lining, his struggle is the toughest to watch and experience...no doubt about it.