From Princess to Pastor

Warning #1: this post borders on whining
Warning #2: this post is in no way intended to induce guilt on the part of its readers

Growing up, my sheltered and pampered life was often one that encouraged my Princess tendencies. As the baby of the family and as Daddy's little girl, life was good. I came to not only hope for my dreams, but maybe to even count on them.

As I've begun planning my ordination, it seems like all the best laid plans and dreams keep going awry. Originally, I'd hoped for an ordination on December 30, which is my goddaughter's birthday. Well, other people are attempting to fit in celebrations prior to the close of 2006 which has rendered both the church and the Bishop unavailable. So December 31, a New Year's Eve ordination, it is. December 31 is not a bad date - in fact, it's kind of a quirky me kind of date. But it is not my first choice.

Original hopes and dreams also included my friends. I've asked Yoda to preach and Soul Friend to provide some music. While neither has provided a definite no at this point, my gut tells me that's what may occur. They both desire to be there (or at least they say so!), but once again the logistics seem to render it unattainable. I'm sad that these people who have had such a dramatic impact on my sense of call will not be able to attend and participate in helping that call come to one of its points of fruition. In addition to these two fellows, other friends who have been such treasured companions on the journey won't be able to attend and that makes me sad. True, some friends will be able to be there, but others will not, leaving my dreams half fulfilled.

Liturgically, I had hoped to use Setting 5 - a majestic, fluid, melodic setting. In consultation with the music director at my home church (who, for the record, is more than willing to try it), I learned that the congregation doesn't know the setting at all. I'm left asking myself if I stick with something potentially majestic and less known or settle for something loved and more familiar.

First choices don't seem to be working out. I suppose there is wisdom to be gleaned from this disappointing turn of events. I suppose I can look back at the other second choice realities in my past and observe how they came to fruition and became wonderful experiences. I suppose I could view it all theologically and remember that it's God's will we pray be done, not our own. I suppose I could remember that, on this side of eternity, not everything has to come together in one perfectly dreamt package because God will create that gift in the time to come.

Just the same, disappointment clouds my celebration, leaving it less pristine than my dreams. In this broken, limited, sometimes dream-cracking life, the beauty will still shine through. Glimpses of sunshine will seep through this stained glass life and, for a moment, we will glimpse unexpected beauty rather than the majesty we had planned to encounter.