Brave enough to speak,
these arms are longer than we can believe,
kind enough to lift you off your knees.
I surfed on the internet until the last possible minute, filled my coffee cup before leaving (another stall tactic), and stopped to talk to a neighborhood mom out with her kids on the new playground. I wanted to go hear my friend, Tim, preach. There was no doubt I wanted to hear him, I just felt weird about
going up to the Castle. I had it all planned out -– I'’d slip in late, stand in the narthex, hear the sermon, and quietly slip away before anyone noticed. Ah...but that plan was foiled as I heard the sermon.
Tim preached beautifully, just as I was sure he would. His spirit shone and his words resonated deeply with the many gathered in that space. What I heard was a message about feeling far away while surrounded by others and feeling alone amidst the crowd. Moreover, I heard the resounding message that Christ is with me regardless. Then I realized this community, that I am hesitant to consider my own any longer, is also with me regardless. While on the one hand, I may no longer "“belong,"” I was reminded that I am a loved child of this great and mighty Castle and of our great and mighty God.
I stayed after the service. I purposely hung in the background as much as possible. Yet, people seemed to come out of the woodwork to greet me. It was great to catch up with old friends and treasured people. I ended up having some wonderful conversations with some beautiful souls. And just like in the old days, the conversations ranged from laughter to compassion to discernment to truth telling to reassurance to joy.
Admittedly, some of the conversations (many?) began with me reassuring them that I am in a good space and that I consider myself fortunate to be in a situation where I do not need to accept just any offer that falls in my lap. I got a lot of the furrowed brow, caring and intent eyes, serious look, hand touching my arm greetings that expressed deep interest and concern about how I am doing. I know these looks were meant well and I take them for what they were. Someday when I'm in their position, I hope I remember not to give the same look as I greet someone awaiting call and who is feeling a little weird about being in an old, familiar space. The "“look"” actually makes it weirder instead of better for me...…but I think that ties to my own weirdness about not liking to be vulnerable.
Funny enough, the Bishops from Region 5 are on campus today. I honestly had no idea. It was nice to see and talk with my first Bishop. I was able to give a quick greeting to my current Bishop before someone else came up to talk with him. I'’m sure some think I orchestrated my visit to coincide with the Bishop'’s meeting. But, as I expressed that thought to my friend, B, I quickly followed it up with, "“I need to remember to let go of worrying about what other people might think." If I hadn'’t said it, she would have gently and lovingly reminded me. That's how she is and I treasure her for it.
That reminder was quickly followed with a professor encouraging me to attend his Fall class until I have a call, someone asking me why I lurked in the background and telling me I needed to get over that impulse, and then someone else sharing something nice that someone else had said about me. I needed all this more than I like to admit. And, as long as we're talking about admitting things...it was funny to 
listen to my internal commentary as I co-Presidented and mothered the community in my head..."Oh good, middlers are talking to juniors....Yes! Seniors are hanging around for coffee and conversation...Thank God! People are being quiet for announcements...Look how the community is bonding!..."
Man, it was great to be back up at the Castle and to remember that sometimes just being me where I'm at in the moment is all that God asks of me.
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