Living in limbo

The dream congregation that I’ve been waiting to interview with for the last month has completed their paperwork but isn’t interested in a “first call” person at this time. The synod is telling me that there's a strong likelihood that I may still interview there but not to get my hopes up. I guess that leaves me hopeful but not too hopeful. I'm not sure what to do with their words.

My call process seems to have involved such deep amounts of trust, wondering, and waiting. On a down day like today, I have to admit that those qualities are becoming tiring and depressing. Should I push for other interviews? Should I just put up and shut up? It's difficult to know how far to lean back into God's trusting arms, and it's difficult to know at what point I'm expected to make some sort of move. Quite honestly, I'm not even sure what moves are possible if I were to make one.

This all becomes compounded as I work 3 jobs, watch the debt load continue to mount and can’t afford to pay the rent. Yet, at the same time, life is not all bad. The boys are doing great in school and have fantastic teachers, C continues to work for a great company, and we’re surrounded by lots of love and friendship in our long-familiar cul-de-sac. I love my jobs even if I am constantly on the run. The good things seem to compound and confuse the situation too. Even more strangely, what I most hope for will actually create upheaval for the rest of my family - they're good now and I'm struggling versus I'm good and they're grieving and readjusting.

Life has become such a limbo existence. Really, we've lived in limbo since late February and 8 months is a long time to live in limbo. I feel like I can only make plans into the following week, because one phone call could change everything. In a blink of an eye, everything could change dramaticaly. It would be nice to plant some more permanent roots somewhere and to have just a small measure of predictibility in my life. I'd settle for simply knowing I no longer have to remember to add today's mail to the list of places that will need to be notified of an address change.

I suppose in some ways, living in limbo is a reality of life for anyone at any time. We never do know what the future holds. We never do know when or if we might receive a phone call that changes everything. Nonetheless, most of us do not live with the looming awareness that such a phone call is for sure coming at some unknown point in time.

I've been told to "live in the present," which sounds like great spiritual advice, but on a day like to today, the message only frustrates me. How do I turn off the awareness that one phone call could change everything? Does living in the present mean I should pack another box because I've got all the time in the world or does it mean I should unpack what's already in boxes and fully dwell here until something more is known about our future days and adventures? Does living in the present mean doing something about this hellish limbo reality or just doing the dishes?