Worthiness

Worthiness. I've been giving a lot of thought to this topic. How does one navigate the spectrum of feeling unworthy, feeling worthy, and feeling entitled? The extremes at both ends have their downfalls and I tend to fall to the unworthy more than I'd like. What’s my struggle with it all about? I become puzzled when I consider this topic that has been swirling around in my heart, head, and soul for some time. After all, I think I’m a pretty confident and capable woman. I just earned a Master’s Degree, teachers tell me time and again how lucky my kids are to have me as their mom and advocate, I am able to speak my thoughts pretty comfortably in nearly any situation, and I’m comfortable in nearly any social setting after years in seminary and ministry.

But time and again, my spiritual directors and therapists (yes, more than one person has noticed this issue…) have pointed out that I seem to have this nagging sense of being unworthy. I seem to struggle with the spectrum that includes unworthiness, worthiness, and arrogance. God knows if there’s one thing I strive not to be and that I cannot stand in others, it’s arrogance. So where does one begin and another end?

Over the last few years, I’ve become more and more able to voice my needs and to act upon them without guilt. I used to do so with great insistence, attitude, and a false sense of entitlement. Yet regardless of my attitude, why did/do I feel the need to convince others that I’m worthy?

A few years ago, I began a yearly ritual that fills me with joy and restores my soul each time. I take 5-7 days away for some adventure, usually one that involves attending a Jimmy Buffett concert. In May of 2004, I surprised Journey Girl for her birthday. In 2005, after a bad internship experience, I headed to South Carolina in February and reconnected with Southern Wisdom. In 2006, I spend 3 weeks in Germany (yes, it was for a class, but it was also just for me) and then just this month, I spent a week in Santa Barbara with Journey Girl (did I mention I spent a week in the California sunshine? wink ). I really feel no guilt about this yearly ritual – it makes such a difference and, well, dammit, it is so deserved. Everyone survives without me, which is a necessary reminder for us all.

In the airport at LAX this time around, there was a 4 person table open and just lil’ ole me needing a seat. I waited and waited before finally taking the table. I was hungry but I thought that maybe a smaller table would open up. That way, I wouldn't be taking up too much room. I finally just sat at the 4 person table and decided to allow myself the indulgence without guilt. Another woman came by awhile later and seemed to have the same dilemma. I invited her to join me at my table, which she did eagerly. Why did she and I resist claiming what we needed, too big table or not? The guys around didn’t seem to have any problem doing so. What’s that about?

This worthiness schtick came up again when Journey Girl and I went to meet Soul Friend at the Biltmore in Montecito. She began to park on the street. Before she completed the effort, she said, “Dammit, I’m driving to the door.” As I began to get out to go to the lobby to wait for SF, I said, “I don’t feel worthy going in this place.” “You’re worthy, stop that,” JG responded.

I waited in the ornate lobby and tried the ‘fake it til you make it’ approach, which seemed to have everyone fooled. The bellhop came up and offered me a water and a newspaper. I said no thanks. Why didn’t I take him up on his offer? Well….I didn’t want to be a bother or to impose. But then as I sat on a chair that cost more than all of my furniture combined, an insight came over me. The people going to and fro in this busy, fancy lobby were just that: people. Some had bad taste in clothes, some were full of themselves (or acting that way because they were so empty inside), some acted like hanging out in the Biltmore was just part of every day life…because for them, it was. And SF understood this strange experience and willingly showed us around the whole fancy schmancy place.