Paradise lost?

On October 13, 1990, C and I were married. It was a beautiful, sunny, warm PNW day. I remember my dad coyly saying to me just before we walked down the aisle, "I just love C." I giggled and replied, "So do I but why do you say that?" Dad replied, "Because he's the only man who has ever gotten away with saying 'no' to you."

At our reception, people were asking us when we planned on having children (can you imagine?! Please don't ever do this to newlyweds. Let them live in utopia for at least a day for God's sake). At the time, our pat answer was "we're on the 5 year plan. No kids, no pondering having kids for 5 years." This made some people sad. They wanted us to have kids right away.

During the first 5 years of our marriage, we used to drive through the neighborhood thinking there was no way we'd ever have a house in that majestic space. Over the course of those years, we also came closer and closer to the decision to never have kids. We even subscribed to a newsletter for couples who were childless by choice. It gave us all kinds of cunning responses and justifications for our near-certain decision. At the time, my sister-in-law even said she'd be praying for us. She loves babies, and she wanted us to have children. But I have to admit, it was weird to know somebody was praying against your own agenda.

Well, s-i-l's prayers were answered. I won't offer theological commentary on that. We bought our first house in 1994 and one day I was walking by the spare bedroom that would become CHs nursery and I had this overwhelming need and feeling to have a baby. "That room needs a baby in it," I thought. I'm not sure I've ever been so certain of much else in my life. This certainty is in the top 5 for sure. Poor C came home from work that day and I announced, "I need to have a baby" or some other definitive type statement. This threw him on his butt and he was left fumbling for words and responding, "I thought....we....decided....never....to....have....kids....." Poor guy.

The following December, we went to the Rose Bowl game (Go Ducks!) in Pasadena. I won't tell the story here without Cs consent but suffice it to say that something happened that caused him to change his mind. And, oh, get your mind out of the gutter...it wasn't that kind of something.

Anyway...the following summer, we began trying to get pregnant and well...we really didn't have to try. I got pregnant the first month we were trying. My apologies to all those who didn't have our kind of luck. C was floored once again - everyone kept telling him it would take at least 6 months to conceive. The following June, little Mr. CH came along, and, of course, changed our lives in wonderful and amazing ways. Three years later, TT arrived on the scene and the adventure has only become more adventurous.

Skip ahead 16 years from that fateful day in 1990. Here we are - married 16 years. We've had our challenges, our celebrations, our ups and our downs. We've been through counselling (best thing we ever did). We've been through tons of school conferences, IEP meetings, doctor's appointments, grief experiences, you name it. In 1997 and 1998, we faced the possibility that C might have a terminal illness and it took a year of limbo before a diagnosis was made. The diagnosis wasn't terminal, thank God, although it is lifelong. In 1998, Cs father died unexpectedly and we continue to feel that grief today. In 1999, we moved to our dream house in the dream neighborhood and swore we'd never move again. In fact, we hoped (or at least I hoped) our kids would get married in our dream house with the lovely staircase. Later in 1999, my call to ordained ministry appeared, although it wasn't until 2000 that it was voiced, discerned and acted upon. In 2000, I also fell down the dream staircase and began an 18 month journey that included misdiagnoses, surgery, firing of doctors, and physical therapy. In 2001, I began seminary part time. In 2002, my non-Christian spouse willingly and supportively moved to South Carolina so I could continue seminary on a full time basis. We pulled up all stakes, sold the dream house, gave up his well-paying career, and packed a Ryder truck headed for 3000 miles away. Then we did it all again 10 months later when we moved to the Castle in 2003 where we remain at least for now.

This morning, rather than a romantic musing about our 16 years together, our morning began with TT throwing an absolute hissy fit and refusing to eat and CH nearly falling asleep at the breakfast table (he was up too late baking that cake). Our frenzied morning included one battle after another with TT's short circuiting and not even a kiss because of my painful puffy lip.

Paradise? I suppose in some ways it never truly existed, even if we tried to convince ourselves that it did. I think paradise is discovered in small moments when time stands still: holding a newborn baby, watching your 4 year old graduate from preschool, travelling throughout the world, holding hands, celebrating an Oregon Ducks victory. Paradise is so eucharistic - the glimpses we experience are a foretaste of the feast to come. In this life, we get mere glimpses of paradise.

Our dreams and hopes have shifted over the years. Some dreams that came true actually ended up being more challenging than utopic. Other dreams not mentioned here were abandoned along the pathway. Unexpected twists and turns have popped up around nearly every corner, yet somehow we've lived to tell about it. If I'm going to experience the trials and travails that accompany life's fleeting moments of joy, I'm incredibly thankful that I have the honor of living them with C. His steadfast, steadying love has been an amazing gift to me for the last 20 years that we've dated and been married. For an edgy whirlwind girl whose creativity swirls, whose impulses pulse, whose moods range, and whose determination charges along at full speed, I'm a pretty luck gal.